A Sad Goodbye

Maddie crossed over the Rainbow Bridge November 20th around 3:30 pm. After talking to the vet about our options we decided that it would be best to let her go as trying to save her would only extend her pain. We found out that she had a rare form of cancer and it had just spread to far to contend with it. The surgery just took to much out of her. Now I'm left with guilt. I feel so bad that her life had to be a live and learn moment for me. But, here we are knowing what we know now and missing her so much. For those of you who are not dog lovers I'm sure it may sound crazy that we loved this dog so much. But, she was MORE then a dog...she was a constant part of my life for almost 11 years. She was two years older then Paytin and in a way our first baby. It hurts just as much as having any person close to you die...if not more. There is only love for a dog...you do not get caught up in all the human emotional drama with them. Only love and only good times...

Before we talked to the vet they brought her out to us saying "Maddie your people are here!"

Out she ran... right to us. She looked pretty good after being on IV's again for the last 48 hours. That's what made the whole thing even harder. She still wasn't 100% but for sure a lot better then she was on Sunday! Given the advice of the doctor the day before though we knew we were most likely saying our last goodbyes. We took her outside and and Paytin and Avary sat petting her on the ground. One of the most bitter sweet moments I've ever experienced. I bawled, the kids bawled... heck we all did. We all told her why we loved her and how much she meant to us.

The vet was ready for us and she explained to Daniel what the other had told me the night before. It had just spread to far...her Kidneys are already failing and she has maybe days at best a few weeks on her own. She was in pain and the only way to keep her going that long would be to keep her there on IV's. We knew what we had to do no matter how much I didn't want to. The vet said she would give us as much time as we needed and to just open the door a crack when we were ready.

Paytin immediately started telling Maddie about the Rainbow Bridge poem that I read them the night before and how she knew that when she was old and ready to go home Maddie would be there waiting for her. GUT. WRENCHING.

Avary took pictures with Daniels cell phone and hugged on Maddie.

Daniel tried to be strong but Im not sure how successful that was.

I broke down thinking in fast forward of moments from the last 10 and a half years.

After a long while we opened the door and the girls went to the car with Daniel. I stayed. I couldn't and wouldn't not be there for her. I told her everything I couldn't say in front of the girls. I thanked her for looking after the girls and treating them as her own "babies" I also told her how sorry I was for it having to end this way. I stayed stroking her head till the end tears flowing.

Now.. she is gone.

Its been a week today. We still cry and sometimes forget it ever happened and call her name. I think its the hardest on the girls. They never knew life without her. Thursday I hope for closer as we get to bring her ashes home.

Love your pets everyday. Hug them everyday. Sometimes life speeds things up faster then you ever thought it would.



Thank  You Maddie For Everything

Here are some pictures of Maddie through the years

Maddie

I might...no I am losing my mind tonight. First let me just say I love this dog. She's the best dog a family could have. She's been with us for almost 11 years and not one time have I ever not loved it. I picked her out of a litter of puppies for sale in early July of 2002 at a campground. Daniel and I had been together for a year and both of us being dog lovers couldnt resist her. I picked her because she looked like a teddy bear and she had sweet eyes. She was heaven from the start. She gave me no problems "potty training" and became pretty spoiled from the start sleeping in bed with us. The only thing she ever did do "wrong" was chew just one of my shoes (today it makes me smile) She is our first baby. The tears...God this is killing me! Daniel taught her to hunt and she LOVED it. Then Paytin came along and her hunting days ended. She loved Paytin just as we did. Where Paytin was thats where she was. She puzzled over her crying and got on my case if I didnt get to Paytin as soon as she would have liked. Those are some GOOD GOOD memories. She was the same with Avary...her love only expanded. I belive that she loves every pull and tug and well meaning play date that she has ever had with our girls.

So, the reason I am losing my mind. She is sick. I'm not sure she will make it. I'm not ready and the tears will not stop. We thought she had a UTI and took her to the vet. After 5 days the pills were not working. So we took her back. They did and x-ray to see what was going on. It was Pyometra which is a uterine infetion. Which, if not treated and removed is most often fatal. With heavy hearts we did what we thought was best. She came through the surgery like a champ. Stayed 3 days at the vets getting stronger. Friday she got to come home. She with a little help jumped into the car. Sat up as we pulled in the drive and we all felt so good haivng her home. Friday night however she was restless. Up and down all night like she couldnt get comfy. Saturday she never moved and still wouldnt eat. We offerd water every half hour which she would take and kept down most of the time. Sunday...worse yet. So she went back to the vet tonight. He didnt seem to offer much hope...just said we can try iv's and more antibiotics and time. I pray this works...it has to work. So knowing how much our family loves and needs this dog....if you could pray for us, we need it!

Pumpkin Carvin 2012

Old Fashioned School House

Ok, so I have to admit here that the kids were excited about this field trip but, not as excited as me! When I found out about this one I had a hard time containing my excitement! I LOVE the crap out of history. Paytin does as well. My next thought...we have to get the dresses. I found them on ebay for okay prices. More than I wanted to spend but not totally crazy. It made for a very fun day with lots of memories made.

How We Met

This is our "first picture together" although we hadnt met yet LOL. I find it fun that I have this photo...I mean really how many people have a picture of them with their friends on the very day they totally pledge to give up trying to find a decent man ...then boom he's in the picture? well I guess I HAVE that picture! It all started June 23, 2001, I was a personal attendant at a friends wedding along with my friend Rene (also in the picture ;) ) Not two hours before this wedding I said to her...I give up...DONE...tonight is about fun! *Guess when they say "When you give up it will happen" they (whoever they are) mean it! Anyway...fast forward 4 hrs later we are waiting for this wedding to kick off I keep seeing this guy...totally by accident too...no really I mean it ;) I tried to work up the courage to go talk to him about 20 times... Just couldnt get it done... So fast forward to the wedding dance....my friend Richard (the guy in the middle of Rene and I in the picture) owes me a dance...cant remember why that is but I know it to be fact... anyway to get "rid of me" he says hey you two (Daniel and I) dance together. The rest is history...

E's First Birthday Party

First Communion

Free Expression

Venus and the Crescent Moon

Reason Number 9000 Homeschool Rocks

Free tickets to the Circus...Hello!!! :)

The Course of a Day

Sometimes, a day can hold infinite possibility and sometimes a day can hold what seems like every test there is for you to prove what you are made of. Today was that of the latter. 

Today I woke up full of hope. I took a leap of faith and after sporting more gray hair than a woman of 30 should for the last month, I had my good friend and cosmetologist dye it. I came back "home" made a call confirming that Paytins First Communion dress would be in the week before her communion. Called the seamstress because it will in fact be in next week.

 I then made a call I had been dreading, to our Priest. Not because I don't like to talk to him but because it was a call for help. I admit it I'm a person who has a BIG problem asking for help. Big! It almost makes me sick to have to ask for help from others. I like to know we can and are independent and can do it on our own. Life on the other hand likes to teach you otherwise..

 A moth or so ago, Fr Danner had offered some of what the church had left in the tornado funds to help with any bills we may have. I thought about it and then dismissed the idea, trying to talk myself into the fact that someone somewhere needed that money more than us. The weeks that have followed have proven me wrong. Thats another thing I dont like to be...wrong! So I choked back my pride and called. Father said to come on up. Against my pride I went. I talked. I cried and I excepted...help. For a few minutes I felt a lot better. Like wights had been lifted off my shoulders.

 Then I got in the car. Daniel had called me four times. I hoped to hear we could pick up a check. Instead I heard no check. The person who lined up the work obviously needs some prayers of his own. I guess I will never for the life of me understand how people can be so unkind to others. But, it happens. I have a large panic attack and drive up and down the streets of this town many times. Thinking, praying and cursing. I end up at the one place I've forever felt safe...my first home, Mom and Dads.

 Setting in their kitchen I manage to get control of myself. Mom arrives home and I fill her in. I think she thinks maybe Im made of bad luck? Kidding...I think. Awhile latter Dad arrives. Calls it a bunch of bull and tells me what he would do.

 Supper. Excepting more help. 

We head "home" 

 Relax and talk to my husband rationally for a bit. 

Avary and I head to my mother in laws to let out her dog. We stay a bit longer then normal in the quiet house that used to be so full of the constant rattling of the mouth of my Father in law. On the way out the door Avary loses it. Its the first time this poor baby has cried, REALLY cried over he Roll Roll Papa. "Mommy I miss him" is all she can say over and over. Then she admits to more guilt then I know she can possibly comprehend "I shouldn't have said I didn't want to go see him" she cries. We talked and cried together for a long time.

 In that moment with her I was shocked back into what really matters. Its not houses, or money, excepting help, or mean people...its LOVE. Love that bonds those who truly care about one another through time and space. Love never ends and sometimes love is all you need to hang onto no matter how bad things get. After all how lucky am I...

VERY :)

One Year Ago

One year ago today at 7:18 p.m. I thought we may have been spending our last seconds together as a family. As we huddled together in the basement and said scores of Hail Mary's, we listened as what sounded like a train tour through out home. The scene after the tornado rolled through was surreal. I took this picture as I looked outside for the first time and announced on facebook WE ARE ALIVE!

 Before that I tried to call my parents. But couldn't reach them. Worry set in. Daniel ran to see if his Dad (who at the time was near passing away from Lung Cancer) and Step Mom were okay. I called my friend Michelle and fell apart. I don't even remember what I said to her although I think she remembers pretty clearly. I dont think I made a ton of scence but I think I did manage to get out, "Tornado, we almost died, oh my God."
 Ten minutes latter my Mom and Dad came almost running through the rubble yelling our names. I will never forget that. Ever. Its burned into my memory of that night. Friends and Family called to check on us and I remember each one of those phone calls vividly as each one has a special place in my heart.

We can not thank those who have helped us through this past year enough. Everything right down to the little things like phone calls really do help so much! When this is over and done and we have a HOME again we will have a thank you party. I think about that a lot. Its some of what helps keep me going knowing I can in some small way give back to all of those that helped us.

In the end though...all that matters is that not one life was taken in what is now called the Mapleton Miracle. Not much more anyone of us could have asked for. For the rest of my life I will believe in divine intervention and believe we witnessed it the night of April 9, 2011.

Eggs