Why his birth is my miracle...

They call it secondary infertility. You have the first baby, or even your second in my case and you think, Awesome, I'm pretty good at this; We should have like a million kids. While you are going on with life and dreaming of that big family your body is going nutty on ya. Then your youngest turns 1 ½ and you start trying for another.

Nothing happens.

I went to my doctor, who sent me to an Ob/Gyn there were tests, drugs, shots. I tried acupuncture, supplements, herbs and vitamins and read about a million books. I lost weight...60 pounds even. I even went gluten free.

Nothing.

For SIX YEARS.

Six Years, it gets long. Especially when everyone around you seems to be pregnant. Late 20's early 30's these days is the time to have babies. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE seems to be pregnant. You try...you really do try to be happy for them. Then the “worst”happens and they have that baby. The pictures and news about the baby just about kill you. You long to have that hot baby breath on your neck, to listen to those grunts and groans again and just to be part of that miracle again.

Then there is the horrible guilt. I have a few friends who would give anything to have just one child. I felt like a glutton because I already have twi perfect, healthy, wonderful girls.

After awhile you just give up. I think we gave up in year 5. We decided that God gave us 2 and maybe thats all he wanted us to have. I tried REALLY hard to be okay with that. We would be 42 and 45 when our kiddos left the nest and we could have all kinds of adventurers we never got to have.

But the longing never went away....

I still wanted him and I could feel his tiny little spirit out there or maybe I just went crazy...

When my father in law passed away in June of 2011, I hoped he would ask God for that tiny blue

bundle for us.

When those two lines showed up last April I looked at the test 100 times. It couldn’t be real. These things always turn out negative. After showing Daniel and making sure I wasnt seeing things my heart sang. So to all of you out there thinking it can never happen...

look at his face...

it can!

Babies Dont Keep

 

I've been a little bit O.C.D over capturing and trying to preserve every minute of his babyhood. It all goes to fast. I sit in this rocking chair, which is filled with late afternoon sun. He is asleep, his head resting on my chest, my cheek resting on his head. Him sighing every so often in his sleep and his big grunts make me smile. I breathe in the smell of warm milk that is nestled in his neck and the Mustela lotion I just put on him.

After awhile, my eyes land on the ginormously full laundry basket and the utter chaos that the living room has turned into since his birth. I should do something, anything. But there is just something lately that is telling me to slow down. Not only with him but with all of them.

And I'm reminded of the old poem

 

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

 

I cant believe how much he has changed in just 4 short weeks. Everyday you see more of a person. The time with a newborn is fleeting. It goes much to fast. 

So, I stare, kiss, hold, sing, snuggle, and love that much harder and that much deeper.

This time, I know how fast it goes.

1 Month