The Hard Truth

My father-in-law is dying. There I said it. I don't think any of us want to admit it...but...its the truth.

Over the last few weeks, watching him fade further and further is hard. So hard. Avary really doesn't get it, Paytin gets it to much but yet not enough and Daniel for the most part doesn't want to face the fact that its happening. Id like to pretend its not happening to, but its no longer an option.

Yesterday brought a hospital bed to their living room so not much room for denial there. But it's that or the nursing home and I know how badly he doesn't want to be in one.

About two months back I sat with him while Sharon ran to the grocery store. He made me promise not to let them take him there. He told me I was smart (crap...the tears) and if anyone could talk all the yayhoos out of sending him to one it was probably me (yayhoos is a direct quote...he has a sense of humor I'm sorry that I never really understood until the last few years) Why he thinks its me that can direct a family that for the most part really doesn't get me I have no idea. But, what I do know is I don't blame him...being looked after by strangers in your last days would not be what I would want either. I wonder though how far do you push it? Its scary... he has fallen and when that happens the "boys" have to pick him up off the floor. Its work, lots of work to take care of him and Sharon is only one women.

One thing I have learned though is that family is built for that kind of care and my oldest daughter taught me this tonight. She AMAZES me. She's only about to be 7 and when she is with Roll Roll Papa she is Florance Nightingale. Tonight she was getting him water and chicken. She had him eating (its the most he has ate in a few days) she so attentive and loving and its amazing to see her work with her Roll Roll. Shes very very upset but you would never know it when she's with him...she saves the tears for the walk home. I've had Avary figured as a beautician for awhile but tonight I figured out Paytin...shes a nurse, and if I'm right about that she will be an excellent one!

Even though its so hard to see someone you love in this state watching him with Paytin tonight made me realize in the midst of it all there is a real peace around him. Its kind of like the peace of being around a newborn baby. When people get to this stage, I think, they become pure again. They don’t have the petty cares, worries, and anger that the rest of us carry anymore. They just exist. Makes you feel very protective of them. Hes still the same person he always was only now there is a window to his soul. Now, he’s just a being and its our turn to care for him.

I’m really, really going to miss him.